Friday Feb 10th

I have bought a boat! It was an impulse buy but I figured that I am probably going to struggle to get all my stuff into my suitcases when the time comes to go back to England, so why not sail home instead? Take in some scenery, maybe see some whales, meet some other sailors, call in at the occasional port for supplies. Sounds grand, huh? I thought the cabin was real cute. All I need now is a crew of Arctic Monkeys, and the job's a good un...















"The Straight Liner"

"Settin' sail for Walkley, Capn' Blackmore..."
"See how the mainsail sets, First Mate Turner!"

Bit more work today and then I found myself drawn into a bookshop. I have done pretty well all week, not setting foot inside a book or record store. Cold turkey. But today I cracked. There were just too many bargains in Barnes and Noble, dammit! I ended up with Douglas Coupland's "All families are psychotic". He's from this neck o' t' woods, and I have liked everything else I have read by him (which is everything up to 2001). It should give me something to do if I am becalmed in the Straight Liner.

If I do find myself drifting towards a scurvy-riddled, frostbitten death, I will still be trying to puzzle out some of the adverts I saw today. The first one is a legal claims thingy to do with some medication.
"If you have been suffering from any of the following, you are entitled to CLAIM!!! Blah Blah Blah company are paying out. RIGHT. NOW!

• kidney problems
• nausea
• skin condition
• etc
• etc
• death"

So let me get this straight. If I have been suffering from death recently, I can phone up and get some money off some roadkill lawyer. Pass me that phone, First Mate Turner!

Another great advert came just after the shocking news that an American athlete (well, a competitor in the "skeleton"!!) has been chucked out of the Winter Olympics because he took a hair-restoring treatment (which can mask the taking of steroids). Straight after that, there was an add for... hair-restoring treatment! I was paying some attention as before too long, I might be in need of some. And if I could buy a big tubful, that would be Christmas presents sorted for the male members of my family! But wait, let's look at the before and after pictures, shall we? They consisted of miserable egg heads (before) and beaming gits with flowing locks (after). Pretty much like this...

Before:

After:

And at the bottom, a small disclaimer- "results may vary"

Are you 'avin' that Dave? I'm 'avin' that Jim!